Yes, it really has. It has been fifteen days since I met that beautiful, fantastic woman, and already she is distancing herself.
I can't understand this. Ever since I started to be myself more around her she has been looking at me differently, her eyes have changed. Am I being paranoid? Am I losing control of the situation? I just don't understand. Perhaps she can't bear my social anxiety, or maybe it's because I refuse to take my "happy pills". She did seem rather miffed about that. She has jumped in too fast, she has been trying to move this relationship way too quickly, I can't keep up (I'm aware that I seem to be ranting...I just don't know what to do). Yesterday, after a quiet evening in and a lovely dinner she actually tried to get me to have sex with her. Does she not know me? Does she not understand me? She knows how nervous I get in intimate situations, whether it be hugging strangers or making out. It's very distressing, and I'm terribly sorry for sharing such information with you - but who else do I turn to? Who else can I talk to? There is no one. No one but the faceless internet. After all, once I freaked out she was convinced I found something wrong with her body and stormed out. I actually thought her body was worth appreciating and I have called her to tell her this but my calls are ignored. I love and admire her, but I'm not ready for sex - especially after fifteen days.
Work has been equally bad. My colleagues saw me with my girlfriend the other day and since then have mocked me behind my back. It's not like I haven't heard them, and they weren't exactly trying to cover up their voices. They have said that I'm paying for her, that she's some escort or common whore that's been hired to walk around with me. Others have suggested that I'm only with her because she felt sorry for me. Do they not understand how hurtful this is? Do they not get that I find it hard enough to face them every day without this abuse? To make matters worse I was too nervous and afraid to defend the woman who, despite her advances, I love. How shameful is that? I am a coward. A coward who does not deserve such a gorgeous woman.
Things are not going well in this corner of the world. She still won't answer my calls, I still don't know what to do. I wonder, is it worth staying with a woman who can't seem to understand you and doesn't appear to want to try?
Michael
Posted by
Watcher
7 comments:
you've got to remove the comment verification code on your blog.. :)
sometimes the code gets cut off so we can't drop our comments here.. :)
anyway, your gf is rather fast O_o The only way you'll keep her and I'm sure that you really love her is by being less yourself and more like ..her and other people. :)
I hate your co workers. Maybe you should leave, and start a new life somewhere else. See, somehow. that changed me. You'll be surprised of how understanding some people can be. But, there's a problem to that.
I have developed the people from my previous place's attitude. I realize that I've become a bully. But, because I'm small, they laugh and think I'm just being funny.
and thanks for the comment, :)
I've removed the code, fear not you'll be able to comment freely now. :)
Why should I become someone I'm not for the sake of another. If they cannot accept me for who I am then why should I change? Being like everyone else is not something that appeals to me. Perhaps someday there will be people who ar more accepting.
As for moving away, I tell you that if I had the money I would be gone faster than the speed of light.
You've become a bully? How so?
well, sometimes we have to understand that these people will never ever reach our way of thinking, so the only thing left to do is shake the quirks off, because if we don't, they'd stop talking to us, or worse, ostracize us. I know the feeling because I've been there, and I'm not saying that I think different now than before, its only that I avoid talking about my quirks when they're around.. cause instances thought me. :c
if you dont update your blog every so often, I'd think you're dead. :)
I've become a bully as in, when I speak, I don't care if I hurt people's feelings, when what they all do is just to get close to me. You know, they just don't want me to feel left out. Unfortunately I realize that I've done them wrong only after.. so bum. but thankfully, they're not bitter. See, some people can be very understanding sometimes. :)
Afew years ago, I gave up trying to appear "normal" and just decided to act like I wanted, all my entertaining quirks etc were no longer being hidden and I took the stance that if they can't deal with it then it's their loss. It worked remarkably well, instead of juest being the weird one that creeped people out slightly, I turned into the weird one that people enjoyed being near for the weirdness. I don't care if what I say annoys people (ahem constantly correcting grammar and so forth) or if they don't like what I say. I am happy with what I do, conforming stresses me out, so I don't. It really helped and perhaps trying less to conform and embracing your strangeness will make you happier?
Anon, I think you may be right. Being myself is the best thing to do. Living behind a facade only hurts both people involved in a relationship - both friendly and romantic.
I am going to try and be myself more, most definitely!
Post a Comment