I went over to my friend Richard's house last night. The word friend is strange to type considering I've never truly had one. It makes me smile because the word is so authentic this time. Anyway, Richard and Wendy are my work colleagues and I must say, they can really cook. I've always been suspicious of others, especially when it comes to their cooking and I will always find a way to decline their food. This time, however, I talked to myself about it whilst I was driving to their home. I told myself that being this way about food and people was no way to live and would only force me deeper and deeper down. So I talked myself down, I beat my suspicions into the ground and I was pleased with myself for what I did. I ate their food. I ate it, and even though there were moment when I felt nothing but fear and regret, I kept going and I persevered. I've done pretty well. Very pleased with myself, I have to say. I know I've said that a few times now, but I really am. I was grinning like a fool on the way home through pride and pride alone. That, and they cook such fantastic food.
A lot has happened these past few months. I had a girlfriend for around 15 days, who dumped me after I refused to engage in sexual intercourse with her. I left my dead-end job where I received nothing but abuse. I packed up and moved down to London - one of the best decisions of my life, and one that would have never been made witout my fantastic readers. I got a job doing something I like. I bought an Alsation puppy (who I love dearly). I cut down my medication, and although it was tough, it's getting better because I'm trying. I'm actually giving a damn about what happens in my life. The past 22 years of my life have seemed so worthless until now. I realize that I can get better and whilst there are still bad days where I don't want to get out of bed, there can only be light around the corner. Only light.
Michael
I've been pretty busy lately. I've been working double shifts to get more money in, which means less days off, but enough time to take my dog for a nice, long walk every evening. He's growing pretty fast and I wonder just how massive he's going to be. Judging by the size of his paws...huge.
So yes, work. It's been busy, it's been hectic and more than a little chaotic, but I have to say that I have enjoyed every moment of it. I'm finding it a little bit easier to talk to people now, and so interacting with customers has improved, much to the relief of my boss who was fearing that he may have to let me go for poor communication. So yes, things seem to be looking up. Of course there are days where I feel dark and gloomy, as though there is no hope or point in life, but that's how it is and how this illness works - an illness I'm going to beat. My doctor tells me that my form of depression will take years, especially as counselling and phychologists don't work for me. However, I'm willing to put the effort in and my new companion has been a great help.
So yes, not much happening on this side of the screen, but who knows what lies around the corner.
Michael
Sounds like a rather dismal title. Promise you it's not as dark as it may sound. Moving to a new place, having a new apartment (no matter how messy and beat up) and knowing no one except myself (and that's untrue, I don't know myself) was the best thing I ever did. I have spent most of the past 11 or so days cleaning up in between shifts at work. Why? Well, there's a very good reaosn for that and I plan to show ou all right now...just look below.
 |
| My Black Alsation puppy! |
I have never loved anything as much as I have loved this dog and I've had him what, two days? His name is Ares, after the Greek god of war (if you can't tell by my profile picture I quite like Ancient Greece) and he's incredibly friendly. Man, I love this dog. Best thing that ever happened to me. Without a doubt.
Well, he was the main thing I wanted to share with you all. The reason for the long road to recovery is my recovery from depression, something that I plan to get over and with a new start to life will. My forst step was to chuck the anti-depressants. You might think it a bad idea, but it was done and it's a huge help having nothing to take. I'm not going to lie, the road will be long and very, very hard, but I will get there in the end. I'm 21, I'm young. I can do this. Tomorrow, I'll probably be wallowing in self pity and feeling as though I'll never get forward, but today at least I'm feeling kinda positive.
Until we meet again, reader.
Michael
Here's a little update about life so far. I thought I'd add a couple of pictures in this so that you can see some of the stuff in my flat. One day I'll get nicer furniture, promise.
 |
My dirty couch with a temporary rug that I picked up from the 99p store |
 |
| Kitchen! Not as messy as the rest of the house... |
 |
| I don't have enough drawers, that's my excuse. |
Yes, it really has. It has been fifteen days since I met that beautiful, fantastic woman, and already she is distancing herself.
I can't understand this. Ever since I started to be myself more around her she has been looking at me differently, her eyes have changed. Am I being paranoid? Am I losing control of the situation? I just don't understand. Perhaps she can't bear my social anxiety, or maybe it's because I refuse to take my "happy pills". She did seem rather miffed about that. She has jumped in too fast, she has been trying to move this relationship way too quickly, I can't keep up (I'm aware that I seem to be ranting...I just don't know what to do). Yesterday, after a quiet evening in and a lovely dinner she actually tried to get me to have sex with her. Does she not know me? Does she not understand me? She knows how nervous I get in intimate situations, whether it be hugging strangers or making out. It's very distressing, and I'm terribly sorry for sharing such information with you - but who else do I turn to? Who else can I talk to? There is no one. No one but the faceless internet. After all, once I freaked out she was convinced I found something wrong with her body and stormed out. I actually thought her body was worth appreciating and I have called her to tell her this but my calls are ignored. I love and admire her, but I'm not ready for sex - especially after fifteen days.
Work has been equally bad. My colleagues saw me with my girlfriend the other day and since then have mocked me behind my back. It's not like I haven't heard them, and they weren't exactly trying to cover up their voices. They have said that I'm paying for her, that she's some escort or common whore that's been hired to walk around with me. Others have suggested that I'm only with her because she felt sorry for me. Do they not understand how hurtful this is? Do they not get that I find it hard enough to face them every day without this abuse? To make matters worse I was too nervous and afraid to defend the woman who, despite her advances, I love. How shameful is that? I am a coward. A coward who does not deserve such a gorgeous woman.
Things are not going well in this corner of the world. She still won't answer my calls, I still don't know what to do. I wonder, is it worth staying with a woman who can't seem to understand you and doesn't appear to want to try?
Michael
Yes, whispers and lies. The reason this blog is titled as such? Well, it's all people at my workplace seem to do. every day I listen to them slagging each other off in pairs, whispering about how one person is a whore and the other is so frigid no man would want her. I can tell you the men are just as bad as the women. Gossip isn't a female only thing, men crave it just as badly and seek out 'juicy' information about friends and colleagues.
I've never been interested in talking behind people's backs, I've always found it pathetic and cruel. I don;t know why anyone would ever want to say such terrible things about a fellow human being whether they like them or not. The worst thing is that a lot of these whispers turn into exaggerated lies (if they don't start as false) and a woman sleeping with one man turns into a woman sleeping with at least ten. I don't see the enjoyment people get out of this, I don't understand their desire for information that makes another person look bad.
Anyway, it was this morning when I got to work that I heard a woman and a man I work with whispering behind the til. They didn't notice me, and I wasn't bothered about them...until I heard my name. I paused a moment, knowing they would not sense my presence. As I did so, I heard what it was they were saying. They called me a loner, a freak and a psycho. even though it came from people I barely know that still hurt...it cut deep. They still didn't notice me as I continued my way to the stock room to start stock count. As I worked, I couldn't get the names out of my head. "Loner, freak, psycho." Who wants to hear that? I started going through the reasons they might want to call me that in my head.
Loner, I can sort of understand. I do like to spend as much time as possible on my own, but that's simply because the right human hasn't come along. The right friend or partner. Everyone just seem like idiots to me.
Freak, I have less ability to understand. Why would they call me that? Sometimes I wear an outrageous tie (my favourite having white and black sheep on), but other than that I have no idea what they're on about. Still hurts though, still hurts.
Psycho makes it sounds like I have some kind of mental illness. Last time I checked, I didn't. Last time I went to the doctor she told me I was all clear. I think I'm safe. Apparently, I have a form of depression, but I really don't see that. I don't think I sound or act depressed, but whatever.
Regardless, I still don;t think it was right of them to whisper about me. I've hardly spoken to them before and they have no idea who I am or what I'm like. They shouldn't judge and I am not one to be judged on appearance and action.
Adieu
