Certainly has been some time since I last posted. Don't worry, I didn't die. Thought about it, but I'm still alive.
I did a lot of thiking after my last post and the responses I received on it. I decided that I could not and would not change myself for anyone. If ever anyone decides to love me, then they shall do so for who I am rather than who they wish me to be. I'm only 21, I've got a long way to go and plenty more people to meet. Speaking of women, there are no more in my life and I dumped my girlfriend before she could get there. I received that "we need to talk text" and yes, she planned on dumping me. Apparantly, men who are uninterested in sex are unattractive and offputting. I reckon I'd have a better chance at love if I tried it out with men, I understand them more at least.
All that said, I was really depressed when I dumped my girlfriend. I spent days just lying on the couch, staring at the TV. I wasn't even watching, I have no idea what was on. I missed five days of work without really caring, and ended up being warned that if I missed anymore I'd be fired. That certainly made me get up - if I lose my job everything is gone. I'm only really just coming out of the whole thing, my mood is lifting a little and I've decided to take some of the advice one of my readers gave me. I'm leaving this town and I'm moving to London. I've already started looking for apartments there, and hopefully I'll be out of this place and on my way to the city by the end of the month. I'm job hunting in London too which will be incredibly exciting. I've never liked big cities or crowded places, but I figured that I should try something new and a city is right in the deep end of the metaphorical lake.
I can't wait to get out of the hole that has become my life.
Michael
Yes, it really has. It has been fifteen days since I met that beautiful, fantastic woman, and already she is distancing herself.
I can't understand this. Ever since I started to be myself more around her she has been looking at me differently, her eyes have changed. Am I being paranoid? Am I losing control of the situation? I just don't understand. Perhaps she can't bear my social anxiety, or maybe it's because I refuse to take my "happy pills". She did seem rather miffed about that. She has jumped in too fast, she has been trying to move this relationship way too quickly, I can't keep up (I'm aware that I seem to be ranting...I just don't know what to do). Yesterday, after a quiet evening in and a lovely dinner she actually tried to get me to have sex with her. Does she not know me? Does she not understand me? She knows how nervous I get in intimate situations, whether it be hugging strangers or making out. It's very distressing, and I'm terribly sorry for sharing such information with you - but who else do I turn to? Who else can I talk to? There is no one. No one but the faceless internet. After all, once I freaked out she was convinced I found something wrong with her body and stormed out. I actually thought her body was worth appreciating and I have called her to tell her this but my calls are ignored. I love and admire her, but I'm not ready for sex - especially after fifteen days.
Work has been equally bad. My colleagues saw me with my girlfriend the other day and since then have mocked me behind my back. It's not like I haven't heard them, and they weren't exactly trying to cover up their voices. They have said that I'm paying for her, that she's some escort or common whore that's been hired to walk around with me. Others have suggested that I'm only with her because she felt sorry for me. Do they not understand how hurtful this is? Do they not get that I find it hard enough to face them every day without this abuse? To make matters worse I was too nervous and afraid to defend the woman who, despite her advances, I love. How shameful is that? I am a coward. A coward who does not deserve such a gorgeous woman.
Things are not going well in this corner of the world. She still won't answer my calls, I still don't know what to do. I wonder, is it worth staying with a woman who can't seem to understand you and doesn't appear to want to try?
Michael
I'm actually in a relatively positive mood today. The reason for this? Well, to some it may seem all of nothing, but to me it was fantastic.
At work today, I was set to work behind the counter, and I did so. Scanning people's items, aking for their money, fixing the card machine when it malfunctions every other transaction. The usual, boring, mundane stuff. Anyway, it was as I was scanning the items of a young woman that she said to me "You're really good looking." I wasn't sure what to do, so I just smiled and muttered a thank you shyly. If that wasn't shocking enough...she gave me her number. Seriously, she gave me her number. No one gives me their number. No one at all. I was so happy, I just stood there grinning like some child who had just received the best present of his life. She asked me to call her, and I plan to. I cannot wait. This is going to be amazing. No, I shouldn't get too excited. She could be some nasty, vindictive person, but somehow I find myself doubting that. I love her already.
Good mood, hooray. I forgot what it was like to be happy.
Adieu
Sometimes it can be literally, and others metaphorically.
I had a good childhood, I was loved by my parents. I had one or two friends, and didn't get on with anyone else. Well, now look at me - I have no one. Friends are something I left behind me, something that I felt I no longer needed. Somehow, I feel that was the wrong thing to do. I'm a lonely man. It has nothing to do with sexual loneliness, but rather the lack of friendship and a casual companion. I'd like someone that I can go see a film with and not worry about whether or not they're going to poison my food whilst I'm not looking. I'd like to be able to trust one person enough to eat out without suspicion or fear lingering in my mind.
Loneliness destroys people from the inside and turns them into people they never wanted to be or expected to become. No, it's not fair that some people have to suffer this way, but there are many people who choose this way of life. I'm one of them, and it's one of my biggest regrets. I've always been a quiet man who keeps to himself, but I should have made more of an effort. If I had tried that little bit harder then maybe I wouldn't be so depressed, maybe I'd be a happy man.
Perhaps at work tomorrow I will try that little bit harder.
Adieu
