Yes, it really has. It has been fifteen days since I met that beautiful, fantastic woman, and already she is distancing herself.
I can't understand this. Ever since I started to be myself more around her she has been looking at me differently, her eyes have changed. Am I being paranoid? Am I losing control of the situation? I just don't understand. Perhaps she can't bear my social anxiety, or maybe it's because I refuse to take my "happy pills". She did seem rather miffed about that. She has jumped in too fast, she has been trying to move this relationship way too quickly, I can't keep up (I'm aware that I seem to be ranting...I just don't know what to do). Yesterday, after a quiet evening in and a lovely dinner she actually tried to get me to have sex with her. Does she not know me? Does she not understand me? She knows how nervous I get in intimate situations, whether it be hugging strangers or making out. It's very distressing, and I'm terribly sorry for sharing such information with you - but who else do I turn to? Who else can I talk to? There is no one. No one but the faceless internet. After all, once I freaked out she was convinced I found something wrong with her body and stormed out. I actually thought her body was worth appreciating and I have called her to tell her this but my calls are ignored. I love and admire her, but I'm not ready for sex - especially after fifteen days.
Work has been equally bad. My colleagues saw me with my girlfriend the other day and since then have mocked me behind my back. It's not like I haven't heard them, and they weren't exactly trying to cover up their voices. They have said that I'm paying for her, that she's some escort or common whore that's been hired to walk around with me. Others have suggested that I'm only with her because she felt sorry for me. Do they not understand how hurtful this is? Do they not get that I find it hard enough to face them every day without this abuse? To make matters worse I was too nervous and afraid to defend the woman who, despite her advances, I love. How shameful is that? I am a coward. A coward who does not deserve such a gorgeous woman.
Things are not going well in this corner of the world. She still won't answer my calls, I still don't know what to do. I wonder, is it worth staying with a woman who can't seem to understand you and doesn't appear to want to try?
Michael
Yes, whispers and lies. The reason this blog is titled as such? Well, it's all people at my workplace seem to do. every day I listen to them slagging each other off in pairs, whispering about how one person is a whore and the other is so frigid no man would want her. I can tell you the men are just as bad as the women. Gossip isn't a female only thing, men crave it just as badly and seek out 'juicy' information about friends and colleagues.
I've never been interested in talking behind people's backs, I've always found it pathetic and cruel. I don;t know why anyone would ever want to say such terrible things about a fellow human being whether they like them or not. The worst thing is that a lot of these whispers turn into exaggerated lies (if they don't start as false) and a woman sleeping with one man turns into a woman sleeping with at least ten. I don't see the enjoyment people get out of this, I don't understand their desire for information that makes another person look bad.
Anyway, it was this morning when I got to work that I heard a woman and a man I work with whispering behind the til. They didn't notice me, and I wasn't bothered about them...until I heard my name. I paused a moment, knowing they would not sense my presence. As I did so, I heard what it was they were saying. They called me a loner, a freak and a psycho. even though it came from people I barely know that still hurt...it cut deep. They still didn't notice me as I continued my way to the stock room to start stock count. As I worked, I couldn't get the names out of my head. "Loner, freak, psycho." Who wants to hear that? I started going through the reasons they might want to call me that in my head.
Loner, I can sort of understand. I do like to spend as much time as possible on my own, but that's simply because the right human hasn't come along. The right friend or partner. Everyone just seem like idiots to me.
Freak, I have less ability to understand. Why would they call me that? Sometimes I wear an outrageous tie (my favourite having white and black sheep on), but other than that I have no idea what they're on about. Still hurts though, still hurts.
Psycho makes it sounds like I have some kind of mental illness. Last time I checked, I didn't. Last time I went to the doctor she told me I was all clear. I think I'm safe. Apparently, I have a form of depression, but I really don't see that. I don't think I sound or act depressed, but whatever.
Regardless, I still don;t think it was right of them to whisper about me. I've hardly spoken to them before and they have no idea who I am or what I'm like. They shouldn't judge and I am not one to be judged on appearance and action.
Adieu
