I went over to my friend Richard's house last night. The word friend is strange to type considering I've never truly had one. It makes me smile because the word is so authentic this time. Anyway, Richard and Wendy are my work colleagues and I must say, they can really cook. I've always been suspicious of others, especially when it comes to their cooking and I will always find a way to decline their food. This time, however, I talked to myself about it whilst I was driving to their home. I told myself that being this way about food and people was no way to live and would only force me deeper and deeper down. So I talked myself down, I beat my suspicions into the ground and I was pleased with myself for what I did. I ate their food. I ate it, and even though there were moment when I felt nothing but fear and regret, I kept going and I persevered. I've done pretty well. Very pleased with myself, I have to say. I know I've said that a few times now, but I really am. I was grinning like a fool on the way home through pride and pride alone. That, and they cook such fantastic food.
A lot has happened these past few months. I had a girlfriend for around 15 days, who dumped me after I refused to engage in sexual intercourse with her. I left my dead-end job where I received nothing but abuse. I packed up and moved down to London - one of the best decisions of my life, and one that would have never been made witout my fantastic readers. I got a job doing something I like. I bought an Alsation puppy (who I love dearly). I cut down my medication, and although it was tough, it's getting better because I'm trying. I'm actually giving a damn about what happens in my life. The past 22 years of my life have seemed so worthless until now. I realize that I can get better and whilst there are still bad days where I don't want to get out of bed, there can only be light around the corner. Only light.
Michael
Yes, I finally got round to cleaning my messy little apartment. It's now sparkling clean, and I think Ares appreciates its cleanliness more than I do. I didn't like having a messy apartment with him around - I felt it was a bad environment for him. As of tomorrow I have a week's vacation time and so I booked a holiday in Greece. As you can tell by my profile picture I am a fan of it. Now, I know the political situation is pretty bad right now, hence I've decided to visit the islands instead of the mainland (although I might take a trip to the palace of Agamemnon). First stop is Ithaca and I'll be going right round to Rhodes. It will be great fun. My work colleague, Richard, will be taking care of my dog (he and his wife have a retriever already).
Work has been pretty good so far. Customers have been as they always have been - some polite others unbearably rude. My work colleagues and I made a bet to see who would create a Facebook account, and I was the first to do it. It took ages before anyone else actually took up the bet, and it ended with Richard and Wendy making one next. So, I now have a grand total of two friends on Facebook. Quite pleased with myself there.
Of course, there have been good days and bad days, but we get through these things, don't we? Readers, your suggestion for me to pack up and move...it was the best thing that ever happened to my miserable life and I have you to thank for it. You'll never know just how important that change was to my life. Thank you.
Until we meet again...after I come back from Greece.
Michael
Sounds like a rather dismal title. Promise you it's not as dark as it may sound. Moving to a new place, having a new apartment (no matter how messy and beat up) and knowing no one except myself (and that's untrue, I don't know myself) was the best thing I ever did. I have spent most of the past 11 or so days cleaning up in between shifts at work. Why? Well, there's a very good reaosn for that and I plan to show ou all right now...just look below.
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| My Black Alsation puppy! |
I have never loved anything as much as I have loved this dog and I've had him what, two days? His name is Ares, after the Greek god of war (if you can't tell by my profile picture I quite like Ancient Greece) and he's incredibly friendly. Man, I love this dog. Best thing that ever happened to me. Without a doubt.
Well, he was the main thing I wanted to share with you all. The reason for the long road to recovery is my recovery from depression, something that I plan to get over and with a new start to life will. My forst step was to chuck the anti-depressants. You might think it a bad idea, but it was done and it's a huge help having nothing to take. I'm not going to lie, the road will be long and very, very hard, but I will get there in the end. I'm 21, I'm young. I can do this. Tomorrow, I'll probably be wallowing in self pity and feeling as though I'll never get forward, but today at least I'm feeling kinda positive.
Until we meet again, reader.
Michael
Here's a little update about life so far. I thought I'd add a couple of pictures in this so that you can see some of the stuff in my flat. One day I'll get nicer furniture, promise.
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My dirty couch with a temporary rug that I picked up from the 99p store |
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| Kitchen! Not as messy as the rest of the house... |
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| I don't have enough drawers, that's my excuse. |
It is in fact Green. The grass is red and the sun is black. Yes, that's how it all looks. You may read this and say "What is the fool taking about?" but it's quite a serious point. No, it's not really, more just a fun idea. What if the sky suddenly turned green and the grass the colour of blood? Wouldn't it be interesting if the sun was dyed black yet still emitted light and warmed our planet? What an exciting place the world would be, what an exciting place indeed.
I was discussing the possibility with my girlfriend the other day, and she believes it to be folly. It would seem that many people lack the same imagination as me, which is a real shame. I think it could be possible, I mean why not? Who says colours have to be set in stone? Perhaps one day nature will decide it's tired of the same colours and will change. I mean, for all we know pink is actually silver and black is equivalent to yellow.
I think I've been reading too much today, hence my mind is thinking in such an abnormal fashion. To be honest, I see no problem with it, but my girlfriend gives me funny looks when I start thinking about things that aren't the norm. I'm wondering if this is the beginning of a crack in our relationship. Hopefully not, it's just be being paranoid I'm sure.
There isn't much to report really. I finally got round to playing the new Batman game - it was EPIC. Finished A Dance With Dragons (again, amazing) and flicked through my collection of old marvel comic books. I've hung around with my girlfriend, but she seems less keen on me now that she knows me a bot better. I do wonder why - I've been nothing but nice to her. Anyway, that's pretty much all that's new in the life of Michael.
Until next time,
Michael
No, I'm not lying. I have never been to the cinema before. Sure, I've watched films on DVD before, but I've never gone out to see them because such an event has never been something I was particularly bothered about, especially with no friends to go with.
However, yesterday was different. I went to see a film called The Three Muskateers with my wonderful new woman. I have to say, it was quite a lot of fun, and although the loud noises gave me quite a shock (I never knew cinemas were quite that loud) I throuroughly enjoyed it. The acting was alright and the story was a bit of fun, and the fact that she was there made everything that little bit better. I even braved eating out at a restaurant afterwards which was nicer than expected. We ate at a little place called Nandos where they served chicken burgers and such things (never even thought of having chicken in a burger before!). It was actually rather tasty and I think I will end up going there again becuase their food was just so good. I'd never really eaten out before except with my parents as a child, when I grew into a teenager I stopped going out completely.
So yes, short post today, but I felt this was important to share. After all, I haven't been this happy in a long time. Are any of you readers as happy as I am right now? If so, why? If not, how come?
Michael
If you had told me a few weeks ago that a woman in my life would change everything - I would have looked at you a though you were some loon. You would have been right, though. A woman changes everything. I don't mean in terms of sex - I haven't even thought about going that far - I am instead referring to the feeling of companionship and that weird warmth you get from being with another person.
I don't know how long it's been since I last posted, perhaps a few days? Either way, I have had such a wonderful time with this woman (who I shall not name) that all sense of time has flown past me and my world seems to revolve only around her. I feel somewhat light, as though some great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and yet I can only feel that it will not last as long as I should like. After all, she's bound to leave me in a sobbing heap one day. There are things abbout me she does not know, and should not know for if she discovers them she will surely leave me. Fear not, it isn't murder or something awful like that. Nothing like that at all. Merely things in my head that make me...different from other people. Things thatmany would claim to be abnormal or inhuman. Once she discovers these traits I fear she will leave me, and if she does I fear my heart my break into so many pieces that it shall never be fixed again. It may have only been a week or so since I met her, but I can honestly say that I love her and care for her with all my heart.
We went out for coffee yesterday. I tend not to travel to places outside my home (bar going to work) and so it was a relatively new experience for me. The shuffling and hassling of grouchy people made me feel a little uneasy, but her slender hand was wrapped around my own and I knew I would be safe. Some might laugh at the fact that I, a man, would have to rely on a woman for protection, but I don't see it that way. In a relationship you protect each other from different things and one of the things she needed to protect me from was my social anxiety. I couldn't even talk to the staff member to order my drink. Being an understanding person, my lovely girlfriend (such a great word) ordered it for me.
So great a thing it is to be in love.
Michael
I'm actually in a relatively positive mood today. The reason for this? Well, to some it may seem all of nothing, but to me it was fantastic.
At work today, I was set to work behind the counter, and I did so. Scanning people's items, aking for their money, fixing the card machine when it malfunctions every other transaction. The usual, boring, mundane stuff. Anyway, it was as I was scanning the items of a young woman that she said to me "You're really good looking." I wasn't sure what to do, so I just smiled and muttered a thank you shyly. If that wasn't shocking enough...she gave me her number. Seriously, she gave me her number. No one gives me their number. No one at all. I was so happy, I just stood there grinning like some child who had just received the best present of his life. She asked me to call her, and I plan to. I cannot wait. This is going to be amazing. No, I shouldn't get too excited. She could be some nasty, vindictive person, but somehow I find myself doubting that. I love her already.
Good mood, hooray. I forgot what it was like to be happy.
Adieu
