Musings of an Unimportant Self

Yes, it really has. It has been fifteen days since I met that beautiful, fantastic woman, and already she is distancing herself.

I can't understand this. Ever since I started to be myself more around her she has been looking at me differently, her eyes have changed. Am I being paranoid? Am I losing control of the situation? I just don't understand. Perhaps she can't bear my social anxiety, or maybe it's because I refuse to take my "happy pills". She did seem rather miffed about that. She has jumped in too fast, she has been trying to move this relationship way too quickly, I can't keep up (I'm aware that I seem to be ranting...I just don't know what to do). Yesterday, after a quiet evening in and a lovely dinner she actually tried to get me to have sex with her. Does she not know me? Does she not understand me? She knows how nervous I get in intimate situations, whether it be hugging strangers or making out. It's very distressing, and I'm terribly sorry for sharing such information with you - but who else do I turn to? Who else can I talk to? There is no one. No one but the faceless internet. After all, once I freaked out she was convinced I found something wrong with her body and stormed out. I actually thought her body was worth appreciating and I have called her to tell her this but my calls are ignored. I love and admire her, but I'm not ready for sex - especially after fifteen days.

Work has been equally bad. My colleagues saw me with my girlfriend the other day and since then have mocked me behind my back. It's not like I haven't heard them, and they weren't exactly trying to cover up their voices. They have said that I'm paying for her, that she's some escort or common whore that's been hired to walk around with me. Others have suggested that I'm only with her because she felt sorry  for me. Do they not understand how hurtful this is? Do they not get that I find it hard enough to face them every day without this abuse? To make matters worse I was too nervous and afraid to defend the woman who, despite her advances, I love. How shameful is that? I am a coward. A coward who does not deserve such a gorgeous woman.

Things are not going well in this corner of the world. She still won't answer my calls, I still don't know what to do. I wonder, is it worth staying with a woman who can't seem to understand you and doesn't appear to want to try?

Michael