I went over to my friend Richard's house last night. The word friend is strange to type considering I've never truly had one. It makes me smile because the word is so authentic this time. Anyway, Richard and Wendy are my work colleagues and I must say, they can really cook. I've always been suspicious of others, especially when it comes to their cooking and I will always find a way to decline their food. This time, however, I talked to myself about it whilst I was driving to their home. I told myself that being this way about food and people was no way to live and would only force me deeper and deeper down. So I talked myself down, I beat my suspicions into the ground and I was pleased with myself for what I did. I ate their food. I ate it, and even though there were moment when I felt nothing but fear and regret, I kept going and I persevered. I've done pretty well. Very pleased with myself, I have to say. I know I've said that a few times now, but I really am. I was grinning like a fool on the way home through pride and pride alone. That, and they cook such fantastic food.
A lot has happened these past few months. I had a girlfriend for around 15 days, who dumped me after I refused to engage in sexual intercourse with her. I left my dead-end job where I received nothing but abuse. I packed up and moved down to London - one of the best decisions of my life, and one that would have never been made witout my fantastic readers. I got a job doing something I like. I bought an Alsation puppy (who I love dearly). I cut down my medication, and although it was tough, it's getting better because I'm trying. I'm actually giving a damn about what happens in my life. The past 22 years of my life have seemed so worthless until now. I realize that I can get better and whilst there are still bad days where I don't want to get out of bed, there can only be light around the corner. Only light.
Michael
I have to apologise for lack of updates. It's been over a month, I know. Not that any of you were worried, but I feel I owe you all an apology.
So, last time I posted I believe I was about to move into my London apartment and start my new job. You may be pleased to discover that I have done just that - I've unpacked all my boxes and started work. I have to say thatnk you to those of you who read my blog and commeted, persuading me to start again. Already it's really helped me out and I'm feeling like a better person. My apartment is a little on the small side, but I don't really need much space. As long as I can eat, sleep and store my books safely, I'm a very happy man indeed. I haven't done much with the furniture yet, even though the furniture left in the apartment is a little depressing. The couch is stained with alcohol and blood, the floor is scuffed and I'm really not sure what's stained the walls (I don't think I want to know either). I'll get 'round to it eventually, I just need to make some more money first.
I found two jobs to keep me occupied. The first is at the bookstore and the second at the library. It's quite nice actually. I work four days at the bookstore and three at the library, very few days off and half decent pay. It's not a bad life so far really. My colleagues are rather friendly, and whilst I'm not great when it comes to social communication with them, I'm trying and they seem to be patient enough. You could almost say that they were encouraging me to speak. It's a strange feeling, the one of acceptance. It fills you with this warm pleasure...something that's almost tingly and refreshing. It's a beautiful feeling.
As for relationships - I have none. Ive decided to give it a break, think about where I'm going and who I plan on spending time with. In the mean time, I think I'll get a dog, I've always liked them and they make good companions.
Until next time, reader,
Michael
I have found an apartment in London. I'll be moving out there later today. I have spent the past four days packing up my precious few possessions in preparation for the big move down south. I've never been so far away from my home before - I feel both scared and excited. It's a cosy little place with one bedroom and an open plan kitchen/dining/living area with a bathroom (never had a bath before, only showers. Quite pleasing). It needs a bit of work, a lick of paint and some shelving, but other than that it is most certainly a heaven built on earth.
Haven't been able to find a job yet. Still looking, but I get pay from my old job next week as my final payment to keep me going. Fingers crossed I can find something! Perhaps work in a book store or a library would be suited to me more than something that requires intense social work. Anyway, I'll make sure I find something that fits me as a person rather than the person I was trying too hard to be.
I have to admit, I left this for several hours today. Originally, I was writing this at 9am, but I had to give the moving van a hand (they arrived early) and didn't get the chance to return. London is several hours away, and so I've stopped at a half way point and am currently sat at a road side cafe, using their WIFI to finish this post. Quite a cosy little place. Not too many people, which I rather like. I have around an hour and a half, perhaps two hours until I arrive at my destination and I am incredibly excited. The city will be good for me. I have to step out of my comfort zone. This is the final step.
Next time I contact you guys I will be all moved in to my new flat, although I might post a few updates on how unpacking is going.
Michael
Yes, it really has. It has been fifteen days since I met that beautiful, fantastic woman, and already she is distancing herself.
I can't understand this. Ever since I started to be myself more around her she has been looking at me differently, her eyes have changed. Am I being paranoid? Am I losing control of the situation? I just don't understand. Perhaps she can't bear my social anxiety, or maybe it's because I refuse to take my "happy pills". She did seem rather miffed about that. She has jumped in too fast, she has been trying to move this relationship way too quickly, I can't keep up (I'm aware that I seem to be ranting...I just don't know what to do). Yesterday, after a quiet evening in and a lovely dinner she actually tried to get me to have sex with her. Does she not know me? Does she not understand me? She knows how nervous I get in intimate situations, whether it be hugging strangers or making out. It's very distressing, and I'm terribly sorry for sharing such information with you - but who else do I turn to? Who else can I talk to? There is no one. No one but the faceless internet. After all, once I freaked out she was convinced I found something wrong with her body and stormed out. I actually thought her body was worth appreciating and I have called her to tell her this but my calls are ignored. I love and admire her, but I'm not ready for sex - especially after fifteen days.
Work has been equally bad. My colleagues saw me with my girlfriend the other day and since then have mocked me behind my back. It's not like I haven't heard them, and they weren't exactly trying to cover up their voices. They have said that I'm paying for her, that she's some escort or common whore that's been hired to walk around with me. Others have suggested that I'm only with her because she felt sorry for me. Do they not understand how hurtful this is? Do they not get that I find it hard enough to face them every day without this abuse? To make matters worse I was too nervous and afraid to defend the woman who, despite her advances, I love. How shameful is that? I am a coward. A coward who does not deserve such a gorgeous woman.
Things are not going well in this corner of the world. She still won't answer my calls, I still don't know what to do. I wonder, is it worth staying with a woman who can't seem to understand you and doesn't appear to want to try?
Michael
Yes, whispers and lies. The reason this blog is titled as such? Well, it's all people at my workplace seem to do. every day I listen to them slagging each other off in pairs, whispering about how one person is a whore and the other is so frigid no man would want her. I can tell you the men are just as bad as the women. Gossip isn't a female only thing, men crave it just as badly and seek out 'juicy' information about friends and colleagues.
I've never been interested in talking behind people's backs, I've always found it pathetic and cruel. I don;t know why anyone would ever want to say such terrible things about a fellow human being whether they like them or not. The worst thing is that a lot of these whispers turn into exaggerated lies (if they don't start as false) and a woman sleeping with one man turns into a woman sleeping with at least ten. I don't see the enjoyment people get out of this, I don't understand their desire for information that makes another person look bad.
Anyway, it was this morning when I got to work that I heard a woman and a man I work with whispering behind the til. They didn't notice me, and I wasn't bothered about them...until I heard my name. I paused a moment, knowing they would not sense my presence. As I did so, I heard what it was they were saying. They called me a loner, a freak and a psycho. even though it came from people I barely know that still hurt...it cut deep. They still didn't notice me as I continued my way to the stock room to start stock count. As I worked, I couldn't get the names out of my head. "Loner, freak, psycho." Who wants to hear that? I started going through the reasons they might want to call me that in my head.
Loner, I can sort of understand. I do like to spend as much time as possible on my own, but that's simply because the right human hasn't come along. The right friend or partner. Everyone just seem like idiots to me.
Freak, I have less ability to understand. Why would they call me that? Sometimes I wear an outrageous tie (my favourite having white and black sheep on), but other than that I have no idea what they're on about. Still hurts though, still hurts.
Psycho makes it sounds like I have some kind of mental illness. Last time I checked, I didn't. Last time I went to the doctor she told me I was all clear. I think I'm safe. Apparently, I have a form of depression, but I really don't see that. I don't think I sound or act depressed, but whatever.
Regardless, I still don;t think it was right of them to whisper about me. I've hardly spoken to them before and they have no idea who I am or what I'm like. They shouldn't judge and I am not one to be judged on appearance and action.
Adieu
Sometimes it can be literally, and others metaphorically.
I had a good childhood, I was loved by my parents. I had one or two friends, and didn't get on with anyone else. Well, now look at me - I have no one. Friends are something I left behind me, something that I felt I no longer needed. Somehow, I feel that was the wrong thing to do. I'm a lonely man. It has nothing to do with sexual loneliness, but rather the lack of friendship and a casual companion. I'd like someone that I can go see a film with and not worry about whether or not they're going to poison my food whilst I'm not looking. I'd like to be able to trust one person enough to eat out without suspicion or fear lingering in my mind.
Loneliness destroys people from the inside and turns them into people they never wanted to be or expected to become. No, it's not fair that some people have to suffer this way, but there are many people who choose this way of life. I'm one of them, and it's one of my biggest regrets. I've always been a quiet man who keeps to himself, but I should have made more of an effort. If I had tried that little bit harder then maybe I wouldn't be so depressed, maybe I'd be a happy man.
Perhaps at work tomorrow I will try that little bit harder.
Adieu
Note the reference to the Cure song 'Friday I'm in love'. Yes, sadly Friday was yesterday.
Saturday is my favourite day of the weekend. No work, no people, just me and a good book. Oh, and not to mention the pile of food that I plan to graze on as the day progresses. I wish Saturday lasted longer. I just want to be able to relax for another twenty four hours, to bask in the nothingness of peace and quiet. Work is so hectic sometimes and there are so many people asking questions and complaining that sometimes I just want to run away from it all and live on a farm. a farm would be a lot of work though, I don't think I could do that alone.
So, what I'm doing today (apart from posting here) is reading the first book in the series in 'A Song of Ice and Fire'. I should have read it before, I've really been mising out on a great piece of literatre. I'm nearly done this, and when I've finished I'll be sure to move onto the next book. A Clash of Kings, is it? I bought all of the books except the last one - I'm waiting for that to come out in hardback.
Depressingly, I've got work early on a Sunday morning and I'm not looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, I couldn't ask for a better job. As I've said before, I just can't stand the petty complaints and continuous questions of "where is this item?" and "why is this item out of stock?" I don't know the answer to the last one, I don't know why people expect me to. I mean seriously, I'm not all knowing and wise. apologies, mini rant on work over.
Well, for now I'm just going to continue reading, maybe do a little bit of writing later on and eat to my heart's content. Yes, eating is a good thing right now. Yummy.
Adieu.
