I have found an apartment in London. I'll be moving out there later today. I have spent the past four days packing up my precious few possessions in preparation for the big move down south. I've never been so far away from my home before - I feel both scared and excited. It's a cosy little place with one bedroom and an open plan kitchen/dining/living area with a bathroom (never had a bath before, only showers. Quite pleasing). It needs a bit of work, a lick of paint and some shelving, but other than that it is most certainly a heaven built on earth.
Haven't been able to find a job yet. Still looking, but I get pay from my old job next week as my final payment to keep me going. Fingers crossed I can find something! Perhaps work in a book store or a library would be suited to me more than something that requires intense social work. Anyway, I'll make sure I find something that fits me as a person rather than the person I was trying too hard to be.
I have to admit, I left this for several hours today. Originally, I was writing this at 9am, but I had to give the moving van a hand (they arrived early) and didn't get the chance to return. London is several hours away, and so I've stopped at a half way point and am currently sat at a road side cafe, using their WIFI to finish this post. Quite a cosy little place. Not too many people, which I rather like. I have around an hour and a half, perhaps two hours until I arrive at my destination and I am incredibly excited. The city will be good for me. I have to step out of my comfort zone. This is the final step.
Next time I contact you guys I will be all moved in to my new flat, although I might post a few updates on how unpacking is going.
Michael
Certainly has been some time since I last posted. Don't worry, I didn't die. Thought about it, but I'm still alive.
I did a lot of thiking after my last post and the responses I received on it. I decided that I could not and would not change myself for anyone. If ever anyone decides to love me, then they shall do so for who I am rather than who they wish me to be. I'm only 21, I've got a long way to go and plenty more people to meet. Speaking of women, there are no more in my life and I dumped my girlfriend before she could get there. I received that "we need to talk text" and yes, she planned on dumping me. Apparantly, men who are uninterested in sex are unattractive and offputting. I reckon I'd have a better chance at love if I tried it out with men, I understand them more at least.
All that said, I was really depressed when I dumped my girlfriend. I spent days just lying on the couch, staring at the TV. I wasn't even watching, I have no idea what was on. I missed five days of work without really caring, and ended up being warned that if I missed anymore I'd be fired. That certainly made me get up - if I lose my job everything is gone. I'm only really just coming out of the whole thing, my mood is lifting a little and I've decided to take some of the advice one of my readers gave me. I'm leaving this town and I'm moving to London. I've already started looking for apartments there, and hopefully I'll be out of this place and on my way to the city by the end of the month. I'm job hunting in London too which will be incredibly exciting. I've never liked big cities or crowded places, but I figured that I should try something new and a city is right in the deep end of the metaphorical lake.
I can't wait to get out of the hole that has become my life.
Michael
Yes, it really has. It has been fifteen days since I met that beautiful, fantastic woman, and already she is distancing herself.
I can't understand this. Ever since I started to be myself more around her she has been looking at me differently, her eyes have changed. Am I being paranoid? Am I losing control of the situation? I just don't understand. Perhaps she can't bear my social anxiety, or maybe it's because I refuse to take my "happy pills". She did seem rather miffed about that. She has jumped in too fast, she has been trying to move this relationship way too quickly, I can't keep up (I'm aware that I seem to be ranting...I just don't know what to do). Yesterday, after a quiet evening in and a lovely dinner she actually tried to get me to have sex with her. Does she not know me? Does she not understand me? She knows how nervous I get in intimate situations, whether it be hugging strangers or making out. It's very distressing, and I'm terribly sorry for sharing such information with you - but who else do I turn to? Who else can I talk to? There is no one. No one but the faceless internet. After all, once I freaked out she was convinced I found something wrong with her body and stormed out. I actually thought her body was worth appreciating and I have called her to tell her this but my calls are ignored. I love and admire her, but I'm not ready for sex - especially after fifteen days.
Work has been equally bad. My colleagues saw me with my girlfriend the other day and since then have mocked me behind my back. It's not like I haven't heard them, and they weren't exactly trying to cover up their voices. They have said that I'm paying for her, that she's some escort or common whore that's been hired to walk around with me. Others have suggested that I'm only with her because she felt sorry for me. Do they not understand how hurtful this is? Do they not get that I find it hard enough to face them every day without this abuse? To make matters worse I was too nervous and afraid to defend the woman who, despite her advances, I love. How shameful is that? I am a coward. A coward who does not deserve such a gorgeous woman.
Things are not going well in this corner of the world. She still won't answer my calls, I still don't know what to do. I wonder, is it worth staying with a woman who can't seem to understand you and doesn't appear to want to try?
Michael
It is in fact Green. The grass is red and the sun is black. Yes, that's how it all looks. You may read this and say "What is the fool taking about?" but it's quite a serious point. No, it's not really, more just a fun idea. What if the sky suddenly turned green and the grass the colour of blood? Wouldn't it be interesting if the sun was dyed black yet still emitted light and warmed our planet? What an exciting place the world would be, what an exciting place indeed.
I was discussing the possibility with my girlfriend the other day, and she believes it to be folly. It would seem that many people lack the same imagination as me, which is a real shame. I think it could be possible, I mean why not? Who says colours have to be set in stone? Perhaps one day nature will decide it's tired of the same colours and will change. I mean, for all we know pink is actually silver and black is equivalent to yellow.
I think I've been reading too much today, hence my mind is thinking in such an abnormal fashion. To be honest, I see no problem with it, but my girlfriend gives me funny looks when I start thinking about things that aren't the norm. I'm wondering if this is the beginning of a crack in our relationship. Hopefully not, it's just be being paranoid I'm sure.
There isn't much to report really. I finally got round to playing the new Batman game - it was EPIC. Finished A Dance With Dragons (again, amazing) and flicked through my collection of old marvel comic books. I've hung around with my girlfriend, but she seems less keen on me now that she knows me a bot better. I do wonder why - I've been nothing but nice to her. Anyway, that's pretty much all that's new in the life of Michael.
Until next time,
Michael
No, I'm not lying. I have never been to the cinema before. Sure, I've watched films on DVD before, but I've never gone out to see them because such an event has never been something I was particularly bothered about, especially with no friends to go with.
However, yesterday was different. I went to see a film called The Three Muskateers with my wonderful new woman. I have to say, it was quite a lot of fun, and although the loud noises gave me quite a shock (I never knew cinemas were quite that loud) I throuroughly enjoyed it. The acting was alright and the story was a bit of fun, and the fact that she was there made everything that little bit better. I even braved eating out at a restaurant afterwards which was nicer than expected. We ate at a little place called Nandos where they served chicken burgers and such things (never even thought of having chicken in a burger before!). It was actually rather tasty and I think I will end up going there again becuase their food was just so good. I'd never really eaten out before except with my parents as a child, when I grew into a teenager I stopped going out completely.
So yes, short post today, but I felt this was important to share. After all, I haven't been this happy in a long time. Are any of you readers as happy as I am right now? If so, why? If not, how come?
Michael
If you had told me a few weeks ago that a woman in my life would change everything - I would have looked at you a though you were some loon. You would have been right, though. A woman changes everything. I don't mean in terms of sex - I haven't even thought about going that far - I am instead referring to the feeling of companionship and that weird warmth you get from being with another person.
I don't know how long it's been since I last posted, perhaps a few days? Either way, I have had such a wonderful time with this woman (who I shall not name) that all sense of time has flown past me and my world seems to revolve only around her. I feel somewhat light, as though some great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and yet I can only feel that it will not last as long as I should like. After all, she's bound to leave me in a sobbing heap one day. There are things abbout me she does not know, and should not know for if she discovers them she will surely leave me. Fear not, it isn't murder or something awful like that. Nothing like that at all. Merely things in my head that make me...different from other people. Things thatmany would claim to be abnormal or inhuman. Once she discovers these traits I fear she will leave me, and if she does I fear my heart my break into so many pieces that it shall never be fixed again. It may have only been a week or so since I met her, but I can honestly say that I love her and care for her with all my heart.
We went out for coffee yesterday. I tend not to travel to places outside my home (bar going to work) and so it was a relatively new experience for me. The shuffling and hassling of grouchy people made me feel a little uneasy, but her slender hand was wrapped around my own and I knew I would be safe. Some might laugh at the fact that I, a man, would have to rely on a woman for protection, but I don't see it that way. In a relationship you protect each other from different things and one of the things she needed to protect me from was my social anxiety. I couldn't even talk to the staff member to order my drink. Being an understanding person, my lovely girlfriend (such a great word) ordered it for me.
So great a thing it is to be in love.
Michael
I'm actually in a relatively positive mood today. The reason for this? Well, to some it may seem all of nothing, but to me it was fantastic.
At work today, I was set to work behind the counter, and I did so. Scanning people's items, aking for their money, fixing the card machine when it malfunctions every other transaction. The usual, boring, mundane stuff. Anyway, it was as I was scanning the items of a young woman that she said to me "You're really good looking." I wasn't sure what to do, so I just smiled and muttered a thank you shyly. If that wasn't shocking enough...she gave me her number. Seriously, she gave me her number. No one gives me their number. No one at all. I was so happy, I just stood there grinning like some child who had just received the best present of his life. She asked me to call her, and I plan to. I cannot wait. This is going to be amazing. No, I shouldn't get too excited. She could be some nasty, vindictive person, but somehow I find myself doubting that. I love her already.
Good mood, hooray. I forgot what it was like to be happy.
Adieu
Yes, whispers and lies. The reason this blog is titled as such? Well, it's all people at my workplace seem to do. every day I listen to them slagging each other off in pairs, whispering about how one person is a whore and the other is so frigid no man would want her. I can tell you the men are just as bad as the women. Gossip isn't a female only thing, men crave it just as badly and seek out 'juicy' information about friends and colleagues.
I've never been interested in talking behind people's backs, I've always found it pathetic and cruel. I don;t know why anyone would ever want to say such terrible things about a fellow human being whether they like them or not. The worst thing is that a lot of these whispers turn into exaggerated lies (if they don't start as false) and a woman sleeping with one man turns into a woman sleeping with at least ten. I don't see the enjoyment people get out of this, I don't understand their desire for information that makes another person look bad.
Anyway, it was this morning when I got to work that I heard a woman and a man I work with whispering behind the til. They didn't notice me, and I wasn't bothered about them...until I heard my name. I paused a moment, knowing they would not sense my presence. As I did so, I heard what it was they were saying. They called me a loner, a freak and a psycho. even though it came from people I barely know that still hurt...it cut deep. They still didn't notice me as I continued my way to the stock room to start stock count. As I worked, I couldn't get the names out of my head. "Loner, freak, psycho." Who wants to hear that? I started going through the reasons they might want to call me that in my head.
Loner, I can sort of understand. I do like to spend as much time as possible on my own, but that's simply because the right human hasn't come along. The right friend or partner. Everyone just seem like idiots to me.
Freak, I have less ability to understand. Why would they call me that? Sometimes I wear an outrageous tie (my favourite having white and black sheep on), but other than that I have no idea what they're on about. Still hurts though, still hurts.
Psycho makes it sounds like I have some kind of mental illness. Last time I checked, I didn't. Last time I went to the doctor she told me I was all clear. I think I'm safe. Apparently, I have a form of depression, but I really don't see that. I don't think I sound or act depressed, but whatever.
Regardless, I still don;t think it was right of them to whisper about me. I've hardly spoken to them before and they have no idea who I am or what I'm like. They shouldn't judge and I am not one to be judged on appearance and action.
Adieu
Sometimes it can be literally, and others metaphorically.
I had a good childhood, I was loved by my parents. I had one or two friends, and didn't get on with anyone else. Well, now look at me - I have no one. Friends are something I left behind me, something that I felt I no longer needed. Somehow, I feel that was the wrong thing to do. I'm a lonely man. It has nothing to do with sexual loneliness, but rather the lack of friendship and a casual companion. I'd like someone that I can go see a film with and not worry about whether or not they're going to poison my food whilst I'm not looking. I'd like to be able to trust one person enough to eat out without suspicion or fear lingering in my mind.
Loneliness destroys people from the inside and turns them into people they never wanted to be or expected to become. No, it's not fair that some people have to suffer this way, but there are many people who choose this way of life. I'm one of them, and it's one of my biggest regrets. I've always been a quiet man who keeps to himself, but I should have made more of an effort. If I had tried that little bit harder then maybe I wouldn't be so depressed, maybe I'd be a happy man.
Perhaps at work tomorrow I will try that little bit harder.
Adieu
Note the reference to the Cure song 'Friday I'm in love'. Yes, sadly Friday was yesterday.
Saturday is my favourite day of the weekend. No work, no people, just me and a good book. Oh, and not to mention the pile of food that I plan to graze on as the day progresses. I wish Saturday lasted longer. I just want to be able to relax for another twenty four hours, to bask in the nothingness of peace and quiet. Work is so hectic sometimes and there are so many people asking questions and complaining that sometimes I just want to run away from it all and live on a farm. a farm would be a lot of work though, I don't think I could do that alone.
So, what I'm doing today (apart from posting here) is reading the first book in the series in 'A Song of Ice and Fire'. I should have read it before, I've really been mising out on a great piece of literatre. I'm nearly done this, and when I've finished I'll be sure to move onto the next book. A Clash of Kings, is it? I bought all of the books except the last one - I'm waiting for that to come out in hardback.
Depressingly, I've got work early on a Sunday morning and I'm not looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, I couldn't ask for a better job. As I've said before, I just can't stand the petty complaints and continuous questions of "where is this item?" and "why is this item out of stock?" I don't know the answer to the last one, I don't know why people expect me to. I mean seriously, I'm not all knowing and wise. apologies, mini rant on work over.
Well, for now I'm just going to continue reading, maybe do a little bit of writing later on and eat to my heart's content. Yes, eating is a good thing right now. Yummy.
Adieu.
I have often pondered the meaning of life. Whether it is for pro creation, for personal enjoyment, or if there is even a meaning at all. Recently, I stopped wondering what my purpose was and what kind of set goal I had to fill. Instead, I started living life for me, and that was all that mattered.
I have found that the important thing in life is to live without regret and to do what you want rather than what is expected. I'm not an old man, I'm still young at 21, and I have a lot to learn about life and many corners to turn without knowing who or what lies around the bend. I have yet to experience love, powerful friendship and passion. There has been so much that lay dead inside of me, begging for life but never being given any of it.
There is no one in my life to share the meaningless activity of every day life with, and so here I suppose I can post it, and perhaps some people will find it interesting, perhaps they won't. Life is an important thing, a wave of immense power that can destroy you or make you stronger at any moment - often when you least expect it.
I'm not a significant person, nor will I ever be. However, to some the musings of my unimportant self may be interesting, even helpful. If I can provide that, I will.
Until we meet again, reader,
Adieu.
