I've been pretty busy lately. I've been working double shifts to get more money in, which means less days off, but enough time to take my dog for a nice, long walk every evening. He's growing pretty fast and I wonder just how massive he's going to be. Judging by the size of his paws...huge.
So yes, work. It's been busy, it's been hectic and more than a little chaotic, but I have to say that I have enjoyed every moment of it. I'm finding it a little bit easier to talk to people now, and so interacting with customers has improved, much to the relief of my boss who was fearing that he may have to let me go for poor communication. So yes, things seem to be looking up. Of course there are days where I feel dark and gloomy, as though there is no hope or point in life, but that's how it is and how this illness works - an illness I'm going to beat. My doctor tells me that my form of depression will take years, especially as counselling and phychologists don't work for me. However, I'm willing to put the effort in and my new companion has been a great help.
So yes, not much happening on this side of the screen, but who knows what lies around the corner.
Michael
Sounds like a rather dismal title. Promise you it's not as dark as it may sound. Moving to a new place, having a new apartment (no matter how messy and beat up) and knowing no one except myself (and that's untrue, I don't know myself) was the best thing I ever did. I have spent most of the past 11 or so days cleaning up in between shifts at work. Why? Well, there's a very good reaosn for that and I plan to show ou all right now...just look below.
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| My Black Alsation puppy! |
I have never loved anything as much as I have loved this dog and I've had him what, two days? His name is Ares, after the Greek god of war (if you can't tell by my profile picture I quite like Ancient Greece) and he's incredibly friendly. Man, I love this dog. Best thing that ever happened to me. Without a doubt.
Well, he was the main thing I wanted to share with you all. The reason for the long road to recovery is my recovery from depression, something that I plan to get over and with a new start to life will. My forst step was to chuck the anti-depressants. You might think it a bad idea, but it was done and it's a huge help having nothing to take. I'm not going to lie, the road will be long and very, very hard, but I will get there in the end. I'm 21, I'm young. I can do this. Tomorrow, I'll probably be wallowing in self pity and feeling as though I'll never get forward, but today at least I'm feeling kinda positive.
Until we meet again, reader.
Michael
Here's a little update about life so far. I thought I'd add a couple of pictures in this so that you can see some of the stuff in my flat. One day I'll get nicer furniture, promise.
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My dirty couch with a temporary rug that I picked up from the 99p store |
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| Kitchen! Not as messy as the rest of the house... |
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| I don't have enough drawers, that's my excuse. |
I have to apologise for lack of updates. It's been over a month, I know. Not that any of you were worried, but I feel I owe you all an apology.
So, last time I posted I believe I was about to move into my London apartment and start my new job. You may be pleased to discover that I have done just that - I've unpacked all my boxes and started work. I have to say thatnk you to those of you who read my blog and commeted, persuading me to start again. Already it's really helped me out and I'm feeling like a better person. My apartment is a little on the small side, but I don't really need much space. As long as I can eat, sleep and store my books safely, I'm a very happy man indeed. I haven't done much with the furniture yet, even though the furniture left in the apartment is a little depressing. The couch is stained with alcohol and blood, the floor is scuffed and I'm really not sure what's stained the walls (I don't think I want to know either). I'll get 'round to it eventually, I just need to make some more money first.
I found two jobs to keep me occupied. The first is at the bookstore and the second at the library. It's quite nice actually. I work four days at the bookstore and three at the library, very few days off and half decent pay. It's not a bad life so far really. My colleagues are rather friendly, and whilst I'm not great when it comes to social communication with them, I'm trying and they seem to be patient enough. You could almost say that they were encouraging me to speak. It's a strange feeling, the one of acceptance. It fills you with this warm pleasure...something that's almost tingly and refreshing. It's a beautiful feeling.
As for relationships - I have none. Ive decided to give it a break, think about where I'm going and who I plan on spending time with. In the mean time, I think I'll get a dog, I've always liked them and they make good companions.
Until next time, reader,
Michael
I have found an apartment in London. I'll be moving out there later today. I have spent the past four days packing up my precious few possessions in preparation for the big move down south. I've never been so far away from my home before - I feel both scared and excited. It's a cosy little place with one bedroom and an open plan kitchen/dining/living area with a bathroom (never had a bath before, only showers. Quite pleasing). It needs a bit of work, a lick of paint and some shelving, but other than that it is most certainly a heaven built on earth.
Haven't been able to find a job yet. Still looking, but I get pay from my old job next week as my final payment to keep me going. Fingers crossed I can find something! Perhaps work in a book store or a library would be suited to me more than something that requires intense social work. Anyway, I'll make sure I find something that fits me as a person rather than the person I was trying too hard to be.
I have to admit, I left this for several hours today. Originally, I was writing this at 9am, but I had to give the moving van a hand (they arrived early) and didn't get the chance to return. London is several hours away, and so I've stopped at a half way point and am currently sat at a road side cafe, using their WIFI to finish this post. Quite a cosy little place. Not too many people, which I rather like. I have around an hour and a half, perhaps two hours until I arrive at my destination and I am incredibly excited. The city will be good for me. I have to step out of my comfort zone. This is the final step.
Next time I contact you guys I will be all moved in to my new flat, although I might post a few updates on how unpacking is going.
Michael
Certainly has been some time since I last posted. Don't worry, I didn't die. Thought about it, but I'm still alive.
I did a lot of thiking after my last post and the responses I received on it. I decided that I could not and would not change myself for anyone. If ever anyone decides to love me, then they shall do so for who I am rather than who they wish me to be. I'm only 21, I've got a long way to go and plenty more people to meet. Speaking of women, there are no more in my life and I dumped my girlfriend before she could get there. I received that "we need to talk text" and yes, she planned on dumping me. Apparantly, men who are uninterested in sex are unattractive and offputting. I reckon I'd have a better chance at love if I tried it out with men, I understand them more at least.
All that said, I was really depressed when I dumped my girlfriend. I spent days just lying on the couch, staring at the TV. I wasn't even watching, I have no idea what was on. I missed five days of work without really caring, and ended up being warned that if I missed anymore I'd be fired. That certainly made me get up - if I lose my job everything is gone. I'm only really just coming out of the whole thing, my mood is lifting a little and I've decided to take some of the advice one of my readers gave me. I'm leaving this town and I'm moving to London. I've already started looking for apartments there, and hopefully I'll be out of this place and on my way to the city by the end of the month. I'm job hunting in London too which will be incredibly exciting. I've never liked big cities or crowded places, but I figured that I should try something new and a city is right in the deep end of the metaphorical lake.
I can't wait to get out of the hole that has become my life.
Michael
Yes, it really has. It has been fifteen days since I met that beautiful, fantastic woman, and already she is distancing herself.
I can't understand this. Ever since I started to be myself more around her she has been looking at me differently, her eyes have changed. Am I being paranoid? Am I losing control of the situation? I just don't understand. Perhaps she can't bear my social anxiety, or maybe it's because I refuse to take my "happy pills". She did seem rather miffed about that. She has jumped in too fast, she has been trying to move this relationship way too quickly, I can't keep up (I'm aware that I seem to be ranting...I just don't know what to do). Yesterday, after a quiet evening in and a lovely dinner she actually tried to get me to have sex with her. Does she not know me? Does she not understand me? She knows how nervous I get in intimate situations, whether it be hugging strangers or making out. It's very distressing, and I'm terribly sorry for sharing such information with you - but who else do I turn to? Who else can I talk to? There is no one. No one but the faceless internet. After all, once I freaked out she was convinced I found something wrong with her body and stormed out. I actually thought her body was worth appreciating and I have called her to tell her this but my calls are ignored. I love and admire her, but I'm not ready for sex - especially after fifteen days.
Work has been equally bad. My colleagues saw me with my girlfriend the other day and since then have mocked me behind my back. It's not like I haven't heard them, and they weren't exactly trying to cover up their voices. They have said that I'm paying for her, that she's some escort or common whore that's been hired to walk around with me. Others have suggested that I'm only with her because she felt sorry for me. Do they not understand how hurtful this is? Do they not get that I find it hard enough to face them every day without this abuse? To make matters worse I was too nervous and afraid to defend the woman who, despite her advances, I love. How shameful is that? I am a coward. A coward who does not deserve such a gorgeous woman.
Things are not going well in this corner of the world. She still won't answer my calls, I still don't know what to do. I wonder, is it worth staying with a woman who can't seem to understand you and doesn't appear to want to try?
Michael
