I went over to my friend Richard's house last night. The word friend is strange to type considering I've never truly had one. It makes me smile because the word is so authentic this time. Anyway, Richard and Wendy are my work colleagues and I must say, they can really cook. I've always been suspicious of others, especially when it comes to their cooking and I will always find a way to decline their food. This time, however, I talked to myself about it whilst I was driving to their home. I told myself that being this way about food and people was no way to live and would only force me deeper and deeper down. So I talked myself down, I beat my suspicions into the ground and I was pleased with myself for what I did. I ate their food. I ate it, and even though there were moment when I felt nothing but fear and regret, I kept going and I persevered. I've done pretty well. Very pleased with myself, I have to say. I know I've said that a few times now, but I really am. I was grinning like a fool on the way home through pride and pride alone. That, and they cook such fantastic food.
A lot has happened these past few months. I had a girlfriend for around 15 days, who dumped me after I refused to engage in sexual intercourse with her. I left my dead-end job where I received nothing but abuse. I packed up and moved down to London - one of the best decisions of my life, and one that would have never been made witout my fantastic readers. I got a job doing something I like. I bought an Alsation puppy (who I love dearly). I cut down my medication, and although it was tough, it's getting better because I'm trying. I'm actually giving a damn about what happens in my life. The past 22 years of my life have seemed so worthless until now. I realize that I can get better and whilst there are still bad days where I don't want to get out of bed, there can only be light around the corner. Only light.
Michael
Yes, I finally got round to cleaning my messy little apartment. It's now sparkling clean, and I think Ares appreciates its cleanliness more than I do. I didn't like having a messy apartment with him around - I felt it was a bad environment for him. As of tomorrow I have a week's vacation time and so I booked a holiday in Greece. As you can tell by my profile picture I am a fan of it. Now, I know the political situation is pretty bad right now, hence I've decided to visit the islands instead of the mainland (although I might take a trip to the palace of Agamemnon). First stop is Ithaca and I'll be going right round to Rhodes. It will be great fun. My work colleague, Richard, will be taking care of my dog (he and his wife have a retriever already).
Work has been pretty good so far. Customers have been as they always have been - some polite others unbearably rude. My work colleagues and I made a bet to see who would create a Facebook account, and I was the first to do it. It took ages before anyone else actually took up the bet, and it ended with Richard and Wendy making one next. So, I now have a grand total of two friends on Facebook. Quite pleased with myself there.
Of course, there have been good days and bad days, but we get through these things, don't we? Readers, your suggestion for me to pack up and move...it was the best thing that ever happened to my miserable life and I have you to thank for it. You'll never know just how important that change was to my life. Thank you.
Until we meet again...after I come back from Greece.
Michael
I've been pretty busy lately. I've been working double shifts to get more money in, which means less days off, but enough time to take my dog for a nice, long walk every evening. He's growing pretty fast and I wonder just how massive he's going to be. Judging by the size of his paws...huge.
So yes, work. It's been busy, it's been hectic and more than a little chaotic, but I have to say that I have enjoyed every moment of it. I'm finding it a little bit easier to talk to people now, and so interacting with customers has improved, much to the relief of my boss who was fearing that he may have to let me go for poor communication. So yes, things seem to be looking up. Of course there are days where I feel dark and gloomy, as though there is no hope or point in life, but that's how it is and how this illness works - an illness I'm going to beat. My doctor tells me that my form of depression will take years, especially as counselling and phychologists don't work for me. However, I'm willing to put the effort in and my new companion has been a great help.
So yes, not much happening on this side of the screen, but who knows what lies around the corner.
Michael
Sounds like a rather dismal title. Promise you it's not as dark as it may sound. Moving to a new place, having a new apartment (no matter how messy and beat up) and knowing no one except myself (and that's untrue, I don't know myself) was the best thing I ever did. I have spent most of the past 11 or so days cleaning up in between shifts at work. Why? Well, there's a very good reaosn for that and I plan to show ou all right now...just look below.
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| My Black Alsation puppy! |
I have never loved anything as much as I have loved this dog and I've had him what, two days? His name is Ares, after the Greek god of war (if you can't tell by my profile picture I quite like Ancient Greece) and he's incredibly friendly. Man, I love this dog. Best thing that ever happened to me. Without a doubt.
Well, he was the main thing I wanted to share with you all. The reason for the long road to recovery is my recovery from depression, something that I plan to get over and with a new start to life will. My forst step was to chuck the anti-depressants. You might think it a bad idea, but it was done and it's a huge help having nothing to take. I'm not going to lie, the road will be long and very, very hard, but I will get there in the end. I'm 21, I'm young. I can do this. Tomorrow, I'll probably be wallowing in self pity and feeling as though I'll never get forward, but today at least I'm feeling kinda positive.
Until we meet again, reader.
Michael
Here's a little update about life so far. I thought I'd add a couple of pictures in this so that you can see some of the stuff in my flat. One day I'll get nicer furniture, promise.
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My dirty couch with a temporary rug that I picked up from the 99p store |
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| Kitchen! Not as messy as the rest of the house... |
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| I don't have enough drawers, that's my excuse. |
I have to apologise for lack of updates. It's been over a month, I know. Not that any of you were worried, but I feel I owe you all an apology.
So, last time I posted I believe I was about to move into my London apartment and start my new job. You may be pleased to discover that I have done just that - I've unpacked all my boxes and started work. I have to say thatnk you to those of you who read my blog and commeted, persuading me to start again. Already it's really helped me out and I'm feeling like a better person. My apartment is a little on the small side, but I don't really need much space. As long as I can eat, sleep and store my books safely, I'm a very happy man indeed. I haven't done much with the furniture yet, even though the furniture left in the apartment is a little depressing. The couch is stained with alcohol and blood, the floor is scuffed and I'm really not sure what's stained the walls (I don't think I want to know either). I'll get 'round to it eventually, I just need to make some more money first.
I found two jobs to keep me occupied. The first is at the bookstore and the second at the library. It's quite nice actually. I work four days at the bookstore and three at the library, very few days off and half decent pay. It's not a bad life so far really. My colleagues are rather friendly, and whilst I'm not great when it comes to social communication with them, I'm trying and they seem to be patient enough. You could almost say that they were encouraging me to speak. It's a strange feeling, the one of acceptance. It fills you with this warm pleasure...something that's almost tingly and refreshing. It's a beautiful feeling.
As for relationships - I have none. Ive decided to give it a break, think about where I'm going and who I plan on spending time with. In the mean time, I think I'll get a dog, I've always liked them and they make good companions.
Until next time, reader,
Michael
I have found an apartment in London. I'll be moving out there later today. I have spent the past four days packing up my precious few possessions in preparation for the big move down south. I've never been so far away from my home before - I feel both scared and excited. It's a cosy little place with one bedroom and an open plan kitchen/dining/living area with a bathroom (never had a bath before, only showers. Quite pleasing). It needs a bit of work, a lick of paint and some shelving, but other than that it is most certainly a heaven built on earth.
Haven't been able to find a job yet. Still looking, but I get pay from my old job next week as my final payment to keep me going. Fingers crossed I can find something! Perhaps work in a book store or a library would be suited to me more than something that requires intense social work. Anyway, I'll make sure I find something that fits me as a person rather than the person I was trying too hard to be.
I have to admit, I left this for several hours today. Originally, I was writing this at 9am, but I had to give the moving van a hand (they arrived early) and didn't get the chance to return. London is several hours away, and so I've stopped at a half way point and am currently sat at a road side cafe, using their WIFI to finish this post. Quite a cosy little place. Not too many people, which I rather like. I have around an hour and a half, perhaps two hours until I arrive at my destination and I am incredibly excited. The city will be good for me. I have to step out of my comfort zone. This is the final step.
Next time I contact you guys I will be all moved in to my new flat, although I might post a few updates on how unpacking is going.
Michael
